Secert garden
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: He tells himself he'll end the torture, stop giving in to his need for her and accept a life together is as far away as it ever was. As he hears his own laughter echo around the night sky however he knows he could no more give up her than he could give up breathing.


**Secret Garden**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:-**None

**Pairing:-** Sandra/Gerry

**Rating:- **M

**Achieve:- . /group/new_tricksff/**

**Summary:- **He tells himself he'll end the torture, stop giving in to his need for her and accept a life together is as far away as it ever was. As he hears his own laughter echo around the night sky however he knows he could no more give up her than he could give up breathing.

**Author's Note:- **Slightly angsty actually who am I kidding with the slightly? It's angsty song fic to the lyrics of "Secret Garden" by Bruce Springsteen and also covers S in the alphabet challenge

_She'll let you in her house_

_If you go knocking late at night_

Pulling up in the taxi outside her house he considered again just getting the driver to take him home again. Every time he did this he felt the same, every time he left his house knowing he was coming here he told himself it would be different but he knew it never would.

Standing at the door he knocked quietly thinking maybe this time she'd just not hear him and he could pretend he'd never been there but almost immediately the light came on upstairs and he heard her feet on the stairs.

"Couldn't sleep?" She asked quietly opening the door not bothering to question why it was her doorstep he turned up on at 3am.

Stepping aside granting him access he noted the sleep still evident in the heavy seductiveness in her eyes and the way her hair fell messily around her face in a way she'd never normally allow.

"Go sit down I'll make us coffee." She said quietly the small smile and slight tilt of her head telling him she knows why he's here and there's no resentment, no anger, or irritation there just acceptance that this is what they do.

_She'll let you in her mouth _

_If the words you say are right_

She hands him the coffee as he watches her sink into the sofa beside him her robe falling open just enough to give him a glimpse of her thigh.

"Anything you want to talk about?" He knows she already knows the answer but he needs this moment of pretence in this game they play the moment where she lets him believe they don't both know why he's there.

"No I just needed to be near you." He feels her lift the coffee cup from his hand in an exact mirror of what she always does on these nights before she gently brushes her lips against his and he knows he's said the right thing. Said the magic works that free them both to let it happen like they know it will.

He lets her take control as she slowly undresses him her hands and her lips branding him completely as her as she does every time while he tries to focus on the desire she's creating rather than the love he's feeling. Torturing him, teasing him she plays her part to perfection until all desire to be reserved leaves him and he lowers her onto the sofa. Her robe and sleep shirt join his clothes on the floor as he copies her letting his actions remind her how she affects him until he rests between her legs and they loop lazily around his waist.

_If you pay the price_

_She'll let you deep inside_

"I want you so much….." His words come out in a gasp and as she arches toward him he knows he's past the test , paid the toll by making his desire for her less than it is. He's been granted access again by making her believe it's about lust not love and he's lost. Lost in how it feels to make love to her, to take in every whispered instruction, every gasp, every strangled cry. He watches as her eyes fuse with his in the moment that she gives up and he gets another glimpse of how is life would be if she was his. He imprints the image of the bewitching smile that crosses her face and how her eyes seem to dance on his mind as he follows her feeling her arms wrap around him holding him close.

_But there's a secret garden she hides_

Gasping for air as she holds him close he wishes the moment could last, that he could lie in her arms till morning telling her how much he loved her but he knows it could never happen. That's not how they play this game and moving, freeing her to rearrange her robe he smiles as she looks at him.

"How did you get here?" He knows she tasted the scotch he drank while still at home trying to convince himself he wasn't coming here and this wasn't how the night was going to end.

"I took a taxi I'll call another in a minute."

"It's fine I'll drive you home just give me a minute to get dressed." He watches as she leaves him alone, no hint of hurt or malice in her tone. She's accepted long ago that this will happen and given up questioning it a luxury that he's never been granted. She never talks about it, never resents him for it, she knows all she'd have to say is no but he knows she never will, not to him.

_She'll let you in her car_

_To go driving around_

"Sandra are you ok?" He has to ask as they drive through the city away from her home and toward his and he's sure he sees sadness in her eyes,

"Do you ever wish we could see this city like others do? See the excitement of it, the west end, the museums the history all that stuff without it being tainted by what we've spent our whole careers looking at?" She's not there, not in the car with him at that moment and he knows she's reliving 100 sights of mangled bodies, destroyed lives, cases that it's now their job to solve.

_She'll let you into parts of herself_

_That'll bring you down_

"Bad things happen everywhere Sandra, not just London, every city in every country in the world and we're not the only ones who live with that there are hundreds like us."

"I know but it seems so much more real in the dark. I hate this city at night sometimes I feel like we're living on a ledge at the mouth of hell and one more act of cruelty and hatred is all it will take to push us over."

_She'll let you in her heart_

_If you got a hammer and a vice_

Watching as she's lost to him again for a second he feels his heart break as it so often does when she gives him glimpses of the pain she carries around. The way her world view has been tainted since she was told as a 14 year old that her father was gone and he wasn't coming back. She doesn't let anyone into those parts of herself that have lain injured since that day but now and then after these nights he gets a glimpse of the sadness that resides in her heart.

_But into her secret garden don't think twice_

As the silence continues to hang heavy in the air he knows he's been granted all the access he's earned for tonight. She's gone to that place she hides when the memories she normally keeps locked away try to reach their tentacles around her heart. She'll never let him reach out to her while they have escaped she'll never let anyone. She retreats behind a wall that is too tall for even the most capable prince charming to climb.

_You've gone a million miles_

_How far you got?_

Letting himself give up to his own thoughts in the silence he sighs. Letting his mind wander he can't help but think how far they've come, how different they are from when they first met. They've travelled a world away from those people who constantly rubbed each other up the wrong way but yet when there's real sadness in her eyes she still shuts him out. Tonight he can't help but feel some of that sadness is due to him as she pulls up outside him home.

_She'll let you in just far enough_

_So you know she's really there_

"I'm sorry." He says quietly reaching for the door handle as she gently grips his hand stopping him from moving.

"You've nothing to be sorry for, I thought you knew that I thought we had an understanding." Glancing sideways at her he shakes his head.

"I feel like I do." He continues trying to move again as she reaches for his chin tilting his eyes toward her.

"You don't Gerry if you did you'd know about it." she says her lips gently brushing his in a gesture he know won't last.

_She'll look at you and smile and her eyes will say_

_She's got a secret garden_

She pulls away from him again and he knows his time for tonight has gone. She'll sit here with him all night if he wants her to but she'll never let the night continue through the doors of his home. It's not in the rules, not what they do but it doesn't mean he can't dream.

"You should go, the alarm goes early in the morning and we both have to be awake enough to work. I'll see you at the office." He smiles as she nods, turning again in her seat and starting the engine as he gets out and watches her drive away.

_Where everything you want, everything you need_

_Will always be a million miles away_

Watching as the tails lights of her car fade in the distance he sighs making himself the same promise he does every time. This will be the last time, he can't keep doing this to himself, to them, when he's been stuck at the same point on this never ending journey for so long.

He tells himself he'll end the torture, stop giving in to his need for her and accept a life together is as far away as it ever was. As he hears his own laughter echo around the night sky however he knows he could no more give up her than he could give up breathing. He needs her even if it's only for a moment now and then. A glimpse of heaven is better than a life in hell which is exactly where he's be without her.


End file.
